“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Never let them know your next move 😂
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
bury ourselves
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
