Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
October already? What’s next? November????
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
A drum solo but on your face.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.