Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day