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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.