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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*