Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So that’s what we looked like?

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Hello Twits.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.