Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms