Are you dating a bunch of bees?
You Might Also Like
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?