Are you dating a bunch of bees?
You Might Also Like
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions