Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
got so much cardio in today
Discuss
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Poetry is my passion
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.