Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
yes… yes…
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.