“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My dress code is business-casualty.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”