“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.