“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
You Might Also Like
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The Others (2001)
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.