Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

It do be feeling this way.

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.