Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

United Steaks of America

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.