Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.