Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there