Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words