– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
🐿️
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
best review i’ve ever seen
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
good work, detective
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell