– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
lol
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
