Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Good dog. ❤️

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit