Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣🤣🤣

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Love it! 👍😂

accurate

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Become ungovernable.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”