“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Never be a pizza!
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated