“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Windows
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.