doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
OH. COME. ON.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
This headline is a thing of beauty
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.