“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
thinking about this
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
When you kidnap a writer.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I love art.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?