Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.