Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.