“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.