HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
get you a girl who
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”