Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
No one can handle that
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Probably my best painting.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
