Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
best first i’ve ever seen
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today