Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future