Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
This raises questions
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift