“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You Might Also Like
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.