“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.