“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
I just ran a .003048K
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.