“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
that would 100% work on me
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.