Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.