Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*