Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Lmao
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too