“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Lmao 😁
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people