“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Lmaoo 😂
