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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Me too, bag. Me too….
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
decorating my apartment
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?