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Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
grotesque if literal: baby food
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.