Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I feel attacked.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work