Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

so, is there a mister shapen head

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Cinematography is my passion

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

Aight bet

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

💀 😭

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.