Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.