Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
This is my pinned tweet
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants