Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Me when I hear gossip

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.