Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)