Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

this made my day 😂

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free