“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end