“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
This one, by a wide margin
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.