“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
You Might Also Like
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]