Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You Might Also Like
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK