Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
my nickname in college
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
(Gaming support cat.)
You better wish for more oil
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.