Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
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Meowchelangelo
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”