Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon