Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
This took me a second..
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.