Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

My wife has the worst taste in men.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?