Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories