“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH