“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
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Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?