“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex