“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
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At least my masseuse has my back.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
