“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.