“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
