“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
🤣
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.