“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”