Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.