“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You Might Also Like
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
secret recipe
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.