“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”