“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions